A Rough Night and Our Hero
Last week, I was hit with a virus sent from Satan. This virus was crafted by the devil in the bowels of hell and then sent to render me a sniveling, useless twat. To say that it "hit" me is an understatement. It bludgeoned me. One minute I was sipping Merlot, engrossed in Piper Chapman's prison life and the next I was lying on the cool bathroom tiles wondering what the hell was happening. I went from 0 to 100 in seconds and, as a result, I confess that I panicked. The room was spinning and my chest felt tight, the walls seemed closer than they had a few minutes before. I hyperventilated and not in the cute way they do in the movies where a character gasps into a paper bag for a couple of minutes. Here's something they should teach you in grade 9 biology: when you hyperventilate severely enough, your body will shut down your limbs in an effort to protect your core. From the knees and elbows down, I felt a painful tingling sensation. Panicked, I put my hand on Tim and a