Hoping to be a Golden Girl
FYI-The following post was influenced by the nostalgia that comes from a generous glass of merlot. As I typed the last few sentences, the theme song to the Golden Girls was running through my head. Thank you for being a friend, traveled down the road and back again! I'd like to be Blanche, because she's the hot one. In all honesty though, I'm a total Dorothy.
Well, here goes.
For a thousand different reasons, I'm grateful to have been born a girl. I've paused many times to give thanks to...well, to whoever's in charge of this stuff...for having opted to give me another X chromosome instead of the Y. Of course, there's also been times when it would've been undeniably easier to have been a boy. The convenience of the male's urinary system is an obvious example, I challenge one woman to tell me that she's never, not once, wished that she could pee standing up. The amount of times that I've cursed the woman who used a public toilet before me is astounding...why must you pee on the seat? Why?!
Also, I'm convinced that conflict among boys is much less complicated. Maybe I'm wrong but here's how I imagine men, of all ages, handle conflict:
Guy#1:"You're an asshole"
Guy #2:"What? Say that again, bitch"
Guy#1:"You're an asshole"
Guy#2: "Bring it"
At worst, they rough each other up a bit. Though it probably won't come to that. They'll most likely stop talking for a couple of days instead. In either scenario, they'll probably forget the whole thing soon enough and be talking about sports stats over beers at some run of the mill pub. Now, I could be off-base here, but from a woman's point of view, men's friendships with each other seem much more simplistic than ours. My husband assures me that the word "frenemies" does not exist in the world of men. Either a guy is decent or he's not. End of story.
It's not so cut and dry for us, is it ladies? We'll put up with, and be guilty of, all kinds of crap in the name of friendship. When women have a score to settle with each other, it can be so much uglier than the bloodshed or bruising men occasionally inflict on each other. We fight with purposeful silence. What could be worse than the cold shoulder? We fight with words whispered behind the back of the woman who seemingly wronged us. In the delicate eco-system of school, girls fight by suddenly excluding a girl who was once included. I'd be willing to bet that none of us have made it to age thirty without being emotionally maimed by another woman. Of course, there's the typical drama of friendships and then there's the...drum roll please....the infamous frenemy.
I'm sure most of us have come to recognize at least one person in our lives as a frenemy. You know her, she's the one who's smile looked a bit forced when you told her you were engaged. Or pregnant. Or getting a dream job. For example, after Tim and I had realized our dream of becoming property owners, my frenemy said to me "You're so lucky. You're so lucky that you can be satisfied with such a stable (I'm pretty sure she meant 'boring') life. It's nice that you're settling down with Tim, I couldn't do that because I still feel adventurous. Your condo is really small, but so cute!" Wait-are these supposed to be compliments? I probably should've seen the red flags, but I didn't. Instead, I made her my maid-of-honour. Oops. Before I knew it, she'd wiggled her way into a few of my other friendships and began gossiping. Dripping poison into the ears of people I genuinely cared about. Eventually, I got smart enough and angry enough and selfish enough to cut her loose. She wrote to me a long time after the fact, accepting some responsibility for her actions but still offering excuses. I forgive her. Whole-heartedly and completely...but it took a long time and it wasn't easy. Forgiving her doesn't mean that we're in contact, we're not. I forgive her and wish her well but I could never lay my life out, naked and for her to see again. I couldn't trust her with it.
Lucky for me, during the time of my frenemy drama I met a couple of women who taught me how friendship should actually function. Turns out that there's nothing fake or strained about it. These girls will call me out on my bullshit, without embarrassing me. They'll tell me to look at a situation from a perspective I'd never thought of. They'll take me down a notch when my ego's out of whack. They'll tell me to cut myself some slack when I'm being too hard on myself. They don't hold a grudge when we lose contact for a few months because life was just too damn hectic. I wish I could see them more often, but they're city girls and I live in the boonies now. Once, I royally screwed up and hurt one of these girls. Instead of declaring me a heartless bitch and washing her hands of me, my friend picked up the phone and said "I need to say this to you because I value our friendship". She spoke up and then gave me the chance to own it, apologize and try my damnedest to make it right. That was probably one of the best things that a friend has ever done for me. I'm definately not a perfect friend. I confess that I've got an aversion to the telephone and would much rather write. Still, when I've hurt a friend it's been because I was selfish or thoughtless. Never with intent. Never because I got a kick out of making her feel badly. So while men may suffer through less drama than we do, I wonder if their relationships are more superficial and less fulfilling than ours. Tim's regularly floored by what I'll talk with my friends about. He'll say "Are you kidding? I'd never talk about THAT with one of my friends." So, I'll gladly survive a few frenemies along the way to end up wiser and more appreciative of the real deal.
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| Oh, lighten up Dorothy! |
For a thousand different reasons, I'm grateful to have been born a girl. I've paused many times to give thanks to...well, to whoever's in charge of this stuff...for having opted to give me another X chromosome instead of the Y. Of course, there's also been times when it would've been undeniably easier to have been a boy. The convenience of the male's urinary system is an obvious example, I challenge one woman to tell me that she's never, not once, wished that she could pee standing up. The amount of times that I've cursed the woman who used a public toilet before me is astounding...why must you pee on the seat? Why?!
Also, I'm convinced that conflict among boys is much less complicated. Maybe I'm wrong but here's how I imagine men, of all ages, handle conflict:
Guy#1:"You're an asshole"
Guy #2:"What? Say that again, bitch"
Guy#1:"You're an asshole"
Guy#2: "Bring it"
At worst, they rough each other up a bit. Though it probably won't come to that. They'll most likely stop talking for a couple of days instead. In either scenario, they'll probably forget the whole thing soon enough and be talking about sports stats over beers at some run of the mill pub. Now, I could be off-base here, but from a woman's point of view, men's friendships with each other seem much more simplistic than ours. My husband assures me that the word "frenemies" does not exist in the world of men. Either a guy is decent or he's not. End of story.
It's not so cut and dry for us, is it ladies? We'll put up with, and be guilty of, all kinds of crap in the name of friendship. When women have a score to settle with each other, it can be so much uglier than the bloodshed or bruising men occasionally inflict on each other. We fight with purposeful silence. What could be worse than the cold shoulder? We fight with words whispered behind the back of the woman who seemingly wronged us. In the delicate eco-system of school, girls fight by suddenly excluding a girl who was once included. I'd be willing to bet that none of us have made it to age thirty without being emotionally maimed by another woman. Of course, there's the typical drama of friendships and then there's the...drum roll please....the infamous frenemy.
I'm sure most of us have come to recognize at least one person in our lives as a frenemy. You know her, she's the one who's smile looked a bit forced when you told her you were engaged. Or pregnant. Or getting a dream job. For example, after Tim and I had realized our dream of becoming property owners, my frenemy said to me "You're so lucky. You're so lucky that you can be satisfied with such a stable (I'm pretty sure she meant 'boring') life. It's nice that you're settling down with Tim, I couldn't do that because I still feel adventurous. Your condo is really small, but so cute!" Wait-are these supposed to be compliments? I probably should've seen the red flags, but I didn't. Instead, I made her my maid-of-honour. Oops. Before I knew it, she'd wiggled her way into a few of my other friendships and began gossiping. Dripping poison into the ears of people I genuinely cared about. Eventually, I got smart enough and angry enough and selfish enough to cut her loose. She wrote to me a long time after the fact, accepting some responsibility for her actions but still offering excuses. I forgive her. Whole-heartedly and completely...but it took a long time and it wasn't easy. Forgiving her doesn't mean that we're in contact, we're not. I forgive her and wish her well but I could never lay my life out, naked and for her to see again. I couldn't trust her with it.
Lucky for me, during the time of my frenemy drama I met a couple of women who taught me how friendship should actually function. Turns out that there's nothing fake or strained about it. These girls will call me out on my bullshit, without embarrassing me. They'll tell me to look at a situation from a perspective I'd never thought of. They'll take me down a notch when my ego's out of whack. They'll tell me to cut myself some slack when I'm being too hard on myself. They don't hold a grudge when we lose contact for a few months because life was just too damn hectic. I wish I could see them more often, but they're city girls and I live in the boonies now. Once, I royally screwed up and hurt one of these girls. Instead of declaring me a heartless bitch and washing her hands of me, my friend picked up the phone and said "I need to say this to you because I value our friendship". She spoke up and then gave me the chance to own it, apologize and try my damnedest to make it right. That was probably one of the best things that a friend has ever done for me. I'm definately not a perfect friend. I confess that I've got an aversion to the telephone and would much rather write. Still, when I've hurt a friend it's been because I was selfish or thoughtless. Never with intent. Never because I got a kick out of making her feel badly. So while men may suffer through less drama than we do, I wonder if their relationships are more superficial and less fulfilling than ours. Tim's regularly floored by what I'll talk with my friends about. He'll say "Are you kidding? I'd never talk about THAT with one of my friends." So, I'll gladly survive a few frenemies along the way to end up wiser and more appreciative of the real deal.
Sadly, I know of whom you speak. She wrote me a letter too. She obviously had numerous people to apologize too. I have forgiven her as well, but forgiving unfortunately does not mean forgetting. Some things cannot be forgotten.
ReplyDeleteIt was hard because saying goodbye meant losing the only friend I'd had who had known me since I was an awkward teenager. But I've learned that it's not about how long someone's known you, it's not about the arbitrary passage of time. It's about who knows you the best and can say "you're kind of being bitchy right now".
ReplyDeleteI totally know what you mean about the frenemy. Glad that you cut her loose and found some better friends. =)
ReplyDeleteI am also not a fan of the telephone so I sympathize with you on that one!