I Am The 10 Parents You Should Avoid

To whoever compiled this slideshow of crap, I don't like you. We wouldn't be friends.

http://www.parentdish.ca/2013/09/02/10-parents-we-all-recognize-and-might-want-to-avoid/#!slide=992036

I assume you don't have kids because if you did, you'd get that parenting opens you up to the quiet judgement and side-ways glances of others. Thanks for this mean-spirited, judgmental slideshow. By trying to pigeon hole us into these categories, you've displayed both nastiness and a false sense of persecution in just 10 juvenile slides. Congratulations, I guess.

I'm a mixture of these parents that you suggest others should avoid. I'm the "Earth Mother" because I rocked a drug-free homebirth and I don't feel I need to justify that choice to anyone. I'm the "Pop-Psychologist" because I love me some Barbara Colorosso. You're suggesting that we shouldn't even try to educate and improve ourselves by reading parenting books because it's like soooo totes annoying to you. I'm the "MILF" because my baby is 2 months old and I'm back in my size 2 jeans. Listen, my petite frame has nothing to do with you. I'm not waltzing around in my small jeans hoping that you and the other "milk-stained zombies" feel lousy about yourselves, I'm sorry that my body is "all rather exhausting" for you. I'm "The Whiner" because sometimes this job is harder than I ever expected and I'm grateful for girlfriends who'll get that having a kid with croup is terrible for everyone and absolutely worth whining about. I'm the "Self-Righteous Breastfeeder" because I feed my child when she's hungry and I don't expect her to eat with a blanket over her head. When I flap open my peep hole blouse and latch on my compliant child, it's not about you. It's about her. When I'm feeding my baby, I'm actually not implying with every fibre of my being that I'm better than you, you're a little paranoid eh? Apparently, I'm the "Baby Factory" as the slide depicts a family of five-2 boys and a girl. I guess that pegs me and my screaming birth canal into this category too. Maybe I'm the "Rebel" because I sport a small tattoo and am thinking of getting another. I also listen to Pearl Jam, not Raffi, when my kids are in the car with me. I get the sense that my choice in music totally pisses you off but that if I had my stereo blasting 'Old McDonald' on the way to school, that would totally piss you off too. I suspect that you're the kinda gal you just can't win with. I'm the "Hypochondriac" because guess what? The sun can still burn you in February and a grape is the perfect shape and size to choke a small child. A by-product of loving your children is fear. The fear of something happening to them and bringing your entire universe to a wrenching halt is sometimes overwhelming and it's best not to dwell on it. As I type this, we're dealing with a medical situation with one of our children. I alternate between cool as cucumber and a raving, mascara-stained, panic-stricken lunatic. Show me a decent parent who couldn't be accused of a little hypochondria and I'll show you a silver dusted unicorn.

I enjoy the Huffington Post during my self-righteous breastfeeding sessions at 4:00am but I'm disappointed that they linked to this  nonsense on the front page. Seriously, front page on my mobile device? Isn't there some shit going down in Syria right now? Huffington Post, please get it together.