The Trouble with Being Awesome
It's been awhile, eh? In all honesty, life's been busy and I couldn't bear to open up a startlingly white blank page without having an idea of what I wanted to say. Then I read this article...and I had shit to say. Check it out, otherwise my ramblings won't make a lick of sense. Go ahead, click on the link. I'll wait here.
http://nymag.com/news/features/retro-wife-2013-3/
Done? Great. Here goes. Firstly, there's nothing wrong with a woman choosing to leave her career to stay at home with her children. Just as there's nothing wrong with eagerly handing your wiggly, poop soiled child off to a daycare provider so that you can return to what feels good to you-work. When will we stop judging each other for choices that are personal and unique to each family? Being in a position to opt-out of working is very fortunate, not all families can swing that.
The subject of this article, Kelly, makes some pretty broad assumptions about men and women. I say "broad" but what I actually mean is 'bullshit'. This woman claims that because girls play with dolls, they're "...raised from the get-go to raise children successfully. When we are moms, we have a better toolbox.” I can promise you that my 'toolbox' (I grimace while typing that term because it's such a cliche) is not superior to Tim's. It's just not. There have been countless times in the past five years that I've been awed by my partner's parenting. Moments when he's swooped in and negotiated with my pre-schooler just seconds before I was undoubtedly going to scream "BECAUSE I SAID SO, NOW DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD". Tim's come up with creative solutions that never would've occurred to me. For example, while having dinner around my parent's lush and gorgeous new dining room set, Owen's upholstered chair was replaced with a wipe-able wooden one so that my mom and I wouldn't be twitching and hyperventilating while Owen packed away a saucy slice of lasagna. Of course, having his chair downgraded was apocalyptic to Owen and he did what any dignified young man would do-he wailed. He sulked. He refused to come to the table for dinner until his rightful seat had been returned. I begged him, I threatened him, I hissed at him to get his bum in that chair, I bribed him. No good. Then Tim pulled him aside and had a quiet word with him, Owen was giggling and smiling when he came to the table to eat. So what was it that did the trick, you ask? Oh, prepare yourself for this little parenting gem. Tim told Owen that he understood how he felt and had his back. He promised that he'd fart on Nana's brand new upholstered chair as a sign of solidarity with our kid. Now, my friends, that's a toolbox and my husband didn't play with dolls.
The author goes on to say this about, Kelly (aka. Wondermom) : "Women, she believes, are conditioned to be more patient with children, to be better multitaskers, to be more tolerant of the quotidian grind of playdates and temper tantrums; “women,” she says, “keep it together better than guys do.” Oh, please. Cut it out.
Either I'm a pathetic excuse for a woman or this is just another stereotypical statement about us. I do my best by my kids, I really do but I don't always 'keep it together' better than Tim does. He doesn't always 'keep it together' better than I do. We're both completely and totally in this together and we're both completely and totally exhausted at times.
Gaaaaawd, I'm so tired of these old notions about men and women and repeating them is risky business. The more we blab on and on about how superior women are with children, the greater the chance that we'll continue to buy into it. Most of us have suffered a deep sense of guilt when we go back to work. It's not an easy transition to make after a mat leave, but for many it's the right choice for whatever reason. Some of us actually draw personal satisfaction from our careers, some of us return for financial reasons. Let's not encourage bright, educated women to "‘Have a career that you can walk away from at the drop of a hat." Let's encourage them instead to have fulfilling careers and enough courage to make the choices that are best for them and, when the time comes, their families. Let's encourage them to recognize that it really does take a village to raise a child and that the men in their lives are valuable resources too. Putting mothers on a gleaming, white parental pedestal and declaring them superior to any other childcare option won't ease the working mom's guilt an iota. We're convincing ourselves that we're actually better with our kids than their dads are and that's a crime. With comments like 'women are more patient with children' or 'women keep it together better than guys do', we're suggesting to our partners that they're just not cut out to be as wicked with their offspring as we are. Then our guys take a step back, leaving us to what we're so clearly amazing at, and we bitch about how they're not helping enough. Well, why would they? They've been sent the message that this parenting stuff is really more our thing anyway. Welcome to the Martyr-hood, ladies. We've doomed ourselves to doing everything for our kids because we're just too damned awesome.
http://nymag.com/news/features/retro-wife-2013-3/
Done? Great. Here goes. Firstly, there's nothing wrong with a woman choosing to leave her career to stay at home with her children. Just as there's nothing wrong with eagerly handing your wiggly, poop soiled child off to a daycare provider so that you can return to what feels good to you-work. When will we stop judging each other for choices that are personal and unique to each family? Being in a position to opt-out of working is very fortunate, not all families can swing that.
The subject of this article, Kelly, makes some pretty broad assumptions about men and women. I say "broad" but what I actually mean is 'bullshit'. This woman claims that because girls play with dolls, they're "...raised from the get-go to raise children successfully. When we are moms, we have a better toolbox.” I can promise you that my 'toolbox' (I grimace while typing that term because it's such a cliche) is not superior to Tim's. It's just not. There have been countless times in the past five years that I've been awed by my partner's parenting. Moments when he's swooped in and negotiated with my pre-schooler just seconds before I was undoubtedly going to scream "BECAUSE I SAID SO, NOW DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD". Tim's come up with creative solutions that never would've occurred to me. For example, while having dinner around my parent's lush and gorgeous new dining room set, Owen's upholstered chair was replaced with a wipe-able wooden one so that my mom and I wouldn't be twitching and hyperventilating while Owen packed away a saucy slice of lasagna. Of course, having his chair downgraded was apocalyptic to Owen and he did what any dignified young man would do-he wailed. He sulked. He refused to come to the table for dinner until his rightful seat had been returned. I begged him, I threatened him, I hissed at him to get his bum in that chair, I bribed him. No good. Then Tim pulled him aside and had a quiet word with him, Owen was giggling and smiling when he came to the table to eat. So what was it that did the trick, you ask? Oh, prepare yourself for this little parenting gem. Tim told Owen that he understood how he felt and had his back. He promised that he'd fart on Nana's brand new upholstered chair as a sign of solidarity with our kid. Now, my friends, that's a toolbox and my husband didn't play with dolls.
The author goes on to say this about, Kelly (aka. Wondermom) : "Women, she believes, are conditioned to be more patient with children, to be better multitaskers, to be more tolerant of the quotidian grind of playdates and temper tantrums; “women,” she says, “keep it together better than guys do.” Oh, please. Cut it out.
Either I'm a pathetic excuse for a woman or this is just another stereotypical statement about us. I do my best by my kids, I really do but I don't always 'keep it together' better than Tim does. He doesn't always 'keep it together' better than I do. We're both completely and totally in this together and we're both completely and totally exhausted at times.
Gaaaaawd, I'm so tired of these old notions about men and women and repeating them is risky business. The more we blab on and on about how superior women are with children, the greater the chance that we'll continue to buy into it. Most of us have suffered a deep sense of guilt when we go back to work. It's not an easy transition to make after a mat leave, but for many it's the right choice for whatever reason. Some of us actually draw personal satisfaction from our careers, some of us return for financial reasons. Let's not encourage bright, educated women to "‘Have a career that you can walk away from at the drop of a hat." Let's encourage them instead to have fulfilling careers and enough courage to make the choices that are best for them and, when the time comes, their families. Let's encourage them to recognize that it really does take a village to raise a child and that the men in their lives are valuable resources too. Putting mothers on a gleaming, white parental pedestal and declaring them superior to any other childcare option won't ease the working mom's guilt an iota. We're convincing ourselves that we're actually better with our kids than their dads are and that's a crime. With comments like 'women are more patient with children' or 'women keep it together better than guys do', we're suggesting to our partners that they're just not cut out to be as wicked with their offspring as we are. Then our guys take a step back, leaving us to what we're so clearly amazing at, and we bitch about how they're not helping enough. Well, why would they? They've been sent the message that this parenting stuff is really more our thing anyway. Welcome to the Martyr-hood, ladies. We've doomed ourselves to doing everything for our kids because we're just too damned awesome.
Well said! John has stepped up to the plate many times when I just couldn't get through to Jack. I will never say that I am better at parenthood than John. Because god knows there are times when you need someone else's perspective or patience when your child just won't listen.
ReplyDeleteExcellent blog Suzie!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing that link and your thoughts. I am not a parent (unless dogs count as kids ;-) ) but was very irritated by this article. Your blog is awesome!
ReplyDeleteHilarious Suzie, and the comment about Tim farting on the chair, that is so priceless!!
ReplyDelete