Things I Wish I Knew Before I Had Kids
With baby number three only a couple of months away, I've been reflecting on what I've learned after spending five years in the muthahood. Admittedly, I'm no expert and I don't doubt that there are countless discoveries waiting for me as I start from scratch with another babe. I'm excited to see which moments have me thinking 'well, that's different' or 'I didn't see that coming.' That's what keeps life interesting. Here's what I've figured out so far.
1. You may very well poop while you push. No, it doesn't happen on T.V. sitcoms or Hollywood movies. Those coiffed and spray-tanned women are the picture of dignity and serenity as their babies are handed to them but it happens in real life. Here's the best part, you won't even care so don't worry about it. You'll be disheveled, delirious and triumphant despite having pooped yourself only moments earlier.
2. A baby's umbilical cord will make you wince. It's a terrible looking appendage and you'll be relieved when it falls off. It's departure means you won't have to sniff it, worrying that it's infected. Please don't put it in a box and keep it for years...dried umbilical cord does not make for a cute keepsake.
3.There is such a thing as "nipple balm". Finding yourself staring at a tube of nipple balm at Babies R' Us, signifies a serious life change. FYI, nipple balm can be used in a pinch when you can't find your chapstick, but it's very sticky and doesn't taste great.
4. After you deliver your baby, you will be given the coolest squirt bottle ever. You will keep that bad boy on you at all times because peeing in it's absence is unthinkable. Getting rid of the squirt bottle is much like a toddler's mission to move on without their cherished pacifier or blankie.
5. Breastfeeding isn't always easy. I assumed I would lift my gorgeous baby to my...ahem..bosom and, badda-bing-badda-boom, we'd be bonding, surrounded by the glorious aura I'd seen in glossy LaLeche League pamphlets. Turns out that getting started can be painful, I equated it to dropping my nipples into a food processor and hitting 'pulse'. As if the searing nipple pain isn't enough, your uterus seizes and contracts each time you nurse for the first week or so, it's excruciating but, on the bright side, it's making you skinnier. Yes, it's challenging but so worth it. I constantly reminded myself that formula companies are trying to mimic what I'm already making, only mine is FREE and is served from cuter jugs.
6. Babies are less cute at 3:00am. It's OK to drop the f-bomb under your breath as you schlep over to pick them up. You're meeting their needs- you're a good parent even if you resemble a half-naked, disgruntled zombie at night feedings. You don't need to smile and coo at them all the time. Can you imagine having someone constantly grinning and baby-talking to you at all hours of the day? Admit it, you'd want to poke them in the eye.
7. Making your own baby food is waaaaay easier than I thought and it saves a bundle. If you've got a blender, you've got your own baby food factory so get to it-that turkey and rice isn't going to blend itself into a gag-inducing paste for your sweet baby. Mmmmm.
8. Having a child makes reading the daily newspaper a horrific event.You can no longer flip through the paper over a coffee, nonchalantly. Stories that would've previously made you shrug and say 'that's a bummer' now have you gasping, clutching your hand over your chest and thinking 'I'd die. I'd die if something like that happened to them.'. Now, instead of thinking 'some people are crappy', you'll panic and think 'will they be OK out there someday? The world is crappy and I can't be with them all the time.' I think there's only a couple of things to do with those thoughts. First, I remind myself that they'll be smart, resilient and capable when we're finished with them. Secondly, I pray. I don't pretend to know to who or to what. I just pray to 'whoever's there' or to 'Hey, you...God dude' to take care of my kids for me. Then, I push the newspaper's daily dose of horror and calamity out of my mind and try to enjoy my kids because you just never really know.
9. You'll love your mom more. Having a baby makes you think "Well, holy shit. Someone did all this for me! Someone once stood in my room at night, brushing the hair off my face and biting her lip to stop herself from waking me with the words 'I love you so much I could implode'. You'll count on her more too, because she not only did all that for you, she seems to want to do it all again for them. You'll let her, to a certain extent, because, if you're lucky enough to witness it, grand-parenting is a beautiful thing to watch.
10. You'll *try* to be nicer to douche-bag drivers and bad waiters because, well, because that douche-bag is someone's baby. My kid might try his hand at waiting tables someday and, if he's terrible at it, I hope that people won't be too hard on him. I also hope that he'll look for something he might enjoy more.
11. This one is obvious and bit gratuitous-you'll be forever changed. Completely, irreversibly and forevermore.
1. You may very well poop while you push. No, it doesn't happen on T.V. sitcoms or Hollywood movies. Those coiffed and spray-tanned women are the picture of dignity and serenity as their babies are handed to them but it happens in real life. Here's the best part, you won't even care so don't worry about it. You'll be disheveled, delirious and triumphant despite having pooped yourself only moments earlier.
2. A baby's umbilical cord will make you wince. It's a terrible looking appendage and you'll be relieved when it falls off. It's departure means you won't have to sniff it, worrying that it's infected. Please don't put it in a box and keep it for years...dried umbilical cord does not make for a cute keepsake.
3.There is such a thing as "nipple balm". Finding yourself staring at a tube of nipple balm at Babies R' Us, signifies a serious life change. FYI, nipple balm can be used in a pinch when you can't find your chapstick, but it's very sticky and doesn't taste great.
4. After you deliver your baby, you will be given the coolest squirt bottle ever. You will keep that bad boy on you at all times because peeing in it's absence is unthinkable. Getting rid of the squirt bottle is much like a toddler's mission to move on without their cherished pacifier or blankie.
5. Breastfeeding isn't always easy. I assumed I would lift my gorgeous baby to my...ahem..bosom and, badda-bing-badda-boom, we'd be bonding, surrounded by the glorious aura I'd seen in glossy LaLeche League pamphlets. Turns out that getting started can be painful, I equated it to dropping my nipples into a food processor and hitting 'pulse'. As if the searing nipple pain isn't enough, your uterus seizes and contracts each time you nurse for the first week or so, it's excruciating but, on the bright side, it's making you skinnier. Yes, it's challenging but so worth it. I constantly reminded myself that formula companies are trying to mimic what I'm already making, only mine is FREE and is served from cuter jugs.
6. Babies are less cute at 3:00am. It's OK to drop the f-bomb under your breath as you schlep over to pick them up. You're meeting their needs- you're a good parent even if you resemble a half-naked, disgruntled zombie at night feedings. You don't need to smile and coo at them all the time. Can you imagine having someone constantly grinning and baby-talking to you at all hours of the day? Admit it, you'd want to poke them in the eye.
7. Making your own baby food is waaaaay easier than I thought and it saves a bundle. If you've got a blender, you've got your own baby food factory so get to it-that turkey and rice isn't going to blend itself into a gag-inducing paste for your sweet baby. Mmmmm.
8. Having a child makes reading the daily newspaper a horrific event.You can no longer flip through the paper over a coffee, nonchalantly. Stories that would've previously made you shrug and say 'that's a bummer' now have you gasping, clutching your hand over your chest and thinking 'I'd die. I'd die if something like that happened to them.'. Now, instead of thinking 'some people are crappy', you'll panic and think 'will they be OK out there someday? The world is crappy and I can't be with them all the time.' I think there's only a couple of things to do with those thoughts. First, I remind myself that they'll be smart, resilient and capable when we're finished with them. Secondly, I pray. I don't pretend to know to who or to what. I just pray to 'whoever's there' or to 'Hey, you...God dude' to take care of my kids for me. Then, I push the newspaper's daily dose of horror and calamity out of my mind and try to enjoy my kids because you just never really know.
9. You'll love your mom more. Having a baby makes you think "Well, holy shit. Someone did all this for me! Someone once stood in my room at night, brushing the hair off my face and biting her lip to stop herself from waking me with the words 'I love you so much I could implode'. You'll count on her more too, because she not only did all that for you, she seems to want to do it all again for them. You'll let her, to a certain extent, because, if you're lucky enough to witness it, grand-parenting is a beautiful thing to watch.
10. You'll *try* to be nicer to douche-bag drivers and bad waiters because, well, because that douche-bag is someone's baby. My kid might try his hand at waiting tables someday and, if he's terrible at it, I hope that people won't be too hard on him. I also hope that he'll look for something he might enjoy more.
11. This one is obvious and bit gratuitous-you'll be forever changed. Completely, irreversibly and forevermore.
Comments
Post a Comment